Good ol' stories!!

“He woke up to the sound of gunshot ringing in his ears!”

“Silently, he heard the footsteps approaching the curtains he hid behind”

“I knew the face as soon as I saw it”

“And how sweet the voice sounded”

You may be wondering what am I leading to. Or you may have guessed it already (if you fall in the latter category, please keep it to yourself to let others enjoy the tale). Ten years ago, if a survey were to be taken asking respondents what part of the story did they think this sentence was more likely to feature in the story (there is of course a higher chance they would not understand the question which is what led to the creation of the 80:20 rule), the most likely answer would be somewhere in the middle of the tale (of course most likely as I feel that way, but that’s how most surveys happen anyways). But (and if by now you haven’t guessed where I am leading, then you should try to audition for America’s most smartest model), in today’s new era of writing, this is how the last 4 stories that I happened to read have opened!

And before you start judging me, let me tell you that I am myself guilty of the above (or a victim of time), as the fourth line is exactly how my own latest attempt at fiction took off. And that got me thinking..whatever happened to “Once upon a time, in a land far far away…” Even kids stories do not begin this way anymore (just guessing)!

I know the logic that it is intended to act as a hook by making them keen on discovering the trail of events leading to this kind of incident, but after a point, and after countless, pointless, substance-less, style-less, who gave internet access to this fellow-full stories which only flatter to deceive, you tend to form a sort of “Bah, this is another of those” kind of feeling. It is now similar to all Bollywood movies that promise to be off the beaten track or ‘hatke’ and end up serving the same formula in a different and mostly inferior packaging. Of course I am just pointing out the problem here and do not have a solution to it, nor am I arguing for the “once upon a time” styled beginning (if I had solutions, I would be trying a career as Anna Hazare and not writing stories); but just saying that there is a market (with atleast one customer, although admittedly, one that is not willing to pay a lot of money) for stories that have a freshness in the way they begin. Just saying!

And while we are on the subject, I have another bone to pick with the way a lot of stories somewhere after the beginning go to great, grand canyon-esque level of detail in painting a picture of the narrative and carry it down till the penultimate sentence/paragraph, only to completely shatter it with a contrasting event AND END AT THAT POINT! (I may be slightly guilty of this as well, both here and here (the first ‘here’ is the same link in the beginning of this post, hoping atleast this time you would click on it)) But whatever happened to “…and they lived happily ever after” kind of endings. Have we as a society become such sadists that we take great pains to describe something only to cruelly shatter it as a way of concluding as if that were how life is supposed to be! Again, just saying, no solutions!

I will definitely do my part in encouraging any alternate beginnings and endings I come across by a) encouraging the writer by commenting on his page with my appreciation (and yes, it is definitely an encouragement) and b) by spreading it through all legally allowed means within the realms of copyright (or even outside it, again, as a mark of my appreciation)

People who agree with me, atleast have an example of an alternate ending here, so please do both a) and b) and I promise you, I won’t sue for copyright infringement! And if I do sue, it will fall under the jurisdiction of Indian courts, and you will probably die before the case is concluded, so go ahead and spread the word.

P.S. I have yet another bone to pick with story titles, but that’s for another day

P.P.S. I seem to have a lot of bones

40 really dumb things to do in Mumbai

40 dumb things NOT to do in Mumbai | CNNGo.com - www.cnngo.com

1. Get into a Virar train if you are going to Borivali
2. Buy 100 buck windcheaters from Churchgate, they are all the ones recycled by the Bhandiwalis
3. Eat Bhel at Kailash Parbat
4. Call a cop ‘Pandu’
5. Argue with a Koli Fisherwoman
6. Get a 11 rupee massage at Girgaum Chowpatty
7. Bet against India in a game, Australia is the safest option
8. Buy enhancement medicines from Van – Travelling Hakims who are the desi versions of the flying doctors
9. Call up 26407383 Beanbags thinking it’s an escort service
10. Avoid asking the Sandwich wallah on Dalal Street for market tips
11. Stand in front of Amitabh/Shah Rukh/Salmaan’s house -- you look stupid and it's a waste of time
12. Go to work when a Shiv Sena bandh is on
13. Visit sleazy video parlours and get caught in a raid
14. Get excited and start jumping when someone offers you Paanch ka Dollar, it’s just a tiny 5 rupee coin
15. Go for a Shiv Sena rally in hope for a Free Vada Pav and Shiv Sena Banian
16. Call a Maharastrian guy Bhaiya, no matter how respectful you meant it
17. While commuting, don’t tease people defecating near the tracks, they throw stones back at the train
18. Hang outside the train, poles might hit you before the crowds will
19. Tease a Hijra
20. Bribe a porter to grab a seat in V.T., chances are he might run off with your money
21. Get conned at Fountain from guys selling cheap mobiles. They mesmerize and wrap soap bars
22. Pronounce Sandhurst correctly, Sandas Rd makes more sense
23. Donate money to the Crying Cab driver. He has conned thousands
24. Invite Brass Polishwalas into your house
25. Assume that booksellers in Fountain are dumb, they know their Pulitzers and Man Booker winners more than us
26. Give 100 bucks to a conductor and expect him to give you change, he will sadistically torment you till the last stop
27. Have lassi outside Dadar Station (west), they add Tissue Paper while preparing it
28. Throw stones at monkeys in Borivali National Park
29. Loiter around in Shivaji Park on Dec 6th
30. Ask for a bargain at the Maharastrian Cloth store in Dadar
31. Go for midnight mass at Mahim church thinking you can pick up girls
32. Buy fire crackers from Essabhai, Crawford Market and travel in train
33. Go to Mondegar and ask for a Jain Pav Bhaji
34. Look straight and walk, We have open manholes
35. Wear Brown Khakis shirts, People will mistake you for BMC staff
36. Ask for Warranty & Guarantee from the Mallu Electronic stalls in Fountain area
37. Search for the Kala Ghoda in Kala Ghoda
38. Ask why statues in Mumbai have one finger pointed like umpires
39. Apply Rai ka Tel on your head and travel by public transport
40. Go to Haji Ali during high tides

A True Story

//Barso re megha megha/barso re megha megha/barso re megha barso// rang the voice in his ear. And how sweet the voice sounded! Well, it couldn’t have sounded any less sweet considering that it was the actual singer crooning in his ear due to the gift that was modern technology. The high quality $100 earphones in his ears made even average music seem like God playing the harmonica (basic assumption being that whatever God plays is, well, godly). This made the walk back from school to his home so much more pleasant. In fact, at that moment in time, he really could not understand why anyone would ever want to remove such music in exchange for any other sounds on earth!

He was in such a great mood walking in pleasant weather and listening to great music (at least great sounding music) that he did not realize when the walk turned into a canter and led him straight into an obstacle that was rather soft for being born for the explicit purpose of being an obstacle. It is only on looking up that he realized the folly of such thought; for what he had bumped into was more of a human being and less of an obstacle. And, unfortunately for him, a human being of the exact type that he disliked the most. This type, of which there were rather many, is the kind of human being whose face seems so familiar that you are sure it belongs to someone you should know and yet the mind cannot associate a name or relationship with the face. Fortunately though, since he had been in this exact situation more times than he would have liked to, holding a conversation with this species without having to go into any kind of specifics was an art that he was the foremost expert on.

This time though, he decided to take the art one step further and challenged himself to clearing the obstacle (literally and metaphorically) without taking the earphones off. What he had not accounted for, however, was the obstinacy of the obstacle in ensuring that the challenge goes unsuccessful. As it turned out, the face belonged to a body that resided in a building whose gates lay only a few steps further from the spot where the collision occurred and to a mind (or maybe heart) that was more effusive in its joy at the event having actually occurred.

“Aha, you must definitely have tea with us”

“I must get going. There is someplace I need to be soon.” This sentence, he felt, was sure to be appropriate irrespective of what uncle would have said. //Sunta hai mera khuda/Dil-o-jaan se chahu/tujhko yaara dilrubaa// Wow, he had not heard this song since a really long time now.

“It will not take long. You must meet my wife”

Both lip reading and the gentle push by the uncle convinced him that he was being asked to go with him someplace. Since he did not have anything better to do on reaching home, he decided that going along was definitely not a half bad idea. But he did acknowledge defeat in his personal challenge and took the earphones off. At first, the fact that the music still continued in his ear did not bother him as it could be easily attributed to some sort of residual effect owing to the high volume at which he was listening to the music originally. After half a minute, when it still continued, the reason his brain came up with next was that this was actually his brain still singing the song internally even though the actual source had been turned off and that this was happening as he really loved the song and knew the lyrics entirely (How the brain could do this as well as make up this logic for him was not something that struck him then).

It is only when the song changed //Ae nazini suno na/hume tumpe hak toh do na/chahe toh jaan lo na// that he became alarmed. Surely there is no way this could be happening naturally. There had to be something wrong. And he ran out of the house without bothering to say anything to his surprised hosts and stuck his fingers firmly in both ears, as if that would stop the music. Expectedly, it did not. Next, he tried to shut his ears even tightly by folding the ears into as small an entity as possible, as if THAT would stop the music. Expectedly again, it did not. Next, he started running as fast as he could with the ears thus folded, as if; funny what the brain instructs the body to do when faced with new events. Atleast the blind running had one silver lining; it brought him to the doorsteps of an ENT practitioner, only to realize that it was a Sunday evening.

By this time, the song had again changed and was now playing //Yeh haseen vadiyan/Yeh Khula aasman/aa gaye hum kahan/ ae mere sajnaa// Even though this was a song he would have loved in most other circumstances, appreciation of musical talent was not exactly top priority right now. His brain was frantically searching for possible ways to stop the music and in desperation, the only option it came up with was to shout louder than the sound of the music in the hopes of drowning it away for good. And thus instructed, his sound box, not caring for the fact that it was the middle of a busy street, braced itself and let loose a most blood-curdling shriek, the type that would have made the director of a horror movie proud. All his other organs, including his eyes, shut down momentarily to allow the sound box to have dedicated use of the body’s energy resources, and when they next opened, he found himself sweating profusely and back in the window seat of the flight he was in, where he had drifted off to sleep with the music still on through the headphones that he had plugged in to relax, and which were now lying suspended from his neck!