The second incident in the recent past that left me incredulous at the country that is India.
Scene: An altercation with an auto rickshaw and a traffic policeman on a Sunday afternoon at Priyadarshini signal in Mumbai
I will be the first to admit that my driving needs to mellow down a bit (you can argue on the extent of mellowing required, but at least it’s a start from my side. I am now past the denial stage). In one such incident of rash driving on the aforementioned Sunday afternoon, I was speeding across a flyover behind a garbage truck that smelled like…well, garbage!
In my bid to get past it with minimal exposure to the stench, I attempted a standard ‘switch lane and accelerate’ method of overtaking, only to find the garbage truck attempting the same maneuver at the absolute last second (maybe my policy of not honking incessantly to avoid noise pollution is to blame), forcing me to brake and swerve left and graze another auto rickshaw (filled with 2 adults and 3 children in a vehicle meant for only 3 people) that was on its own race to get to its destination before apocalypse struck.
My first reaction was to check the auto rickshaw to check its status and having satisfactorily established that the driver was skilful enough to maintain balance, allowed survival instinct to take over. Since there seemed to be no damage to the rickshaw or its occupants, I decided to make a run for it in the hope of outrunning the auto, but was thwarted after 200 meters at the aforementioned signal, which allowed the auto to catch up with me and left him with sufficient time to get out and reach my passenger door with the choicest of obscenities waiting to be let loose from his cannon of a mouth.
After an initial moment of panic, I decided my best chance lay in acknowledging my mistake, apologizing profusely and hoping for mercy (as opposed to trying to explain to him that the garbage truck was partially at fault or fighting it out with him while denying any fault whatsoever). And so apologize profusely I did, all the while asking him to keep his language civil (only to let you visualize the scene better, I would guess the occupants of the auto as relocated slum dwellers). His reaction was to threaten to uproot my car door if I did not park at the side from in between a red light surrounded by cars on all sides with no opportunity to turn while letting loose the obscenities which I had been trying to keep to a minimum. Thankfully, the auto driver had the good/bad/at least something sense to call the traffic policeman who promptly sat at my passenger side and heard my side of the story.
The conversation after parking went something like this:
Traffic Policeman (TP): License hai
Me: Haan, hai
TP: Usko mat dena license, aur gaadi se mat nikalna, warna who marega
Me: (do I look crazy, of course I am not getting out) Theek hai
TP (Leaning towards me): Aapne daaru pee hain?
Me: Kya? Nahin…mint kha raha hoon, saamne padi hai, aap bhi le sakte hain
After this, the auto driver and his occupant proceeded to explain the whole situation to the policeman where I was made to sound like a monster whom the auto escaped from only because of the Schumakeresque driving skills of the auto driver. (Visualize me still apologizing all this while wholeheartedly agreeing to whatever they said.)
TP: Aapka license dikhao
Me: (Reluctantly handing it to the TP) Yeh raha.
TP: Uska jo bhi nuksan hua hai bhar do, aur jao
Me: (Happy at my strategy working) Kitna damage hua hain?
Auto Driver (AD): Yeh dekho (pointing to a flap around the side that had come loose)
Me: Yeh to ek nail maarne se theek ho jaayega. Kitna lagega uska
AD: Paach Sau rupiye de do
Me (incredulous): Kya?? (Realizing thankfully I had only one Rs 100 note in my wallet and hence opening it to him) Yeh dekho wallet. Isme jo milta hain le lo
AD: Chodo jaanedo. Aage se dheere chalana
Me: Thank you
And that, I thought would be the end of that. And walked over happily to the TP asking him for my license back
TP: Aap pe charge lagake license jamaa karna padega. Rs 600 fine bharke le jaana
Me: (Oh god, he also needs to be dealt with, wallet strategy back on) Mere paas itne paise nahin. Aap hi dekh lijiye. Aur usne toh jaane diya. Phir kaunsa charge?
TP: Aisa nahin hota hain. Charge toh lagega. Aap kya karte hain?
Me: Asian Paints mein kaam karta hoon
TP: Kya kaam karte hain?
Me: (He will definitely not understand Marketing Support Manager, let me be simpler) Shop mein jaake paint bechta hoon.
TP: Aap mere liye kya kar sakte hain?
Me(That was pretty direct!): Wallet aap dekh chuke hain. Aap batao kya karoon?
TP: Paint mein kya kar sakte hain?
Me: (Incredulous once again, in fact never stopped being incredulous) Itni badi company hai. Main kuch nahi kar satka. Aapko shop bata sakta hoon jahan thoda sasta paint mil jaayega
TP: Kitna sasta?
Me: 160 ki jagah pe 150 mein dega woh aapko
TP (After doing a cost benefit analysis in his head and coming to a decision): Rakho (thrusting his book at me filled with currency notes)
Me: (giving my contribution to one of the most unique uses of a notebook ever) Thank you.
Once again, I am sure it happens only in India, or maybe only in Mumbai!
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